LOTR the Parody
by Zero Tsubasa no Kami
Summary: It's a LOTR parody, duh. AAAAAAHHHHHHHH.


It was Bilbo's birthday. Everyone was celebrating and all. Finally, it was time for his speech. Bilbo proceded to the stand, his hand in his pocket, ready for his bit of fun. "As you all know, today is my two-millionth birthday and I would just like to say TEDDY BEAR COFFEE!!!!!" He slipped on the ring and suddenly dissapeared. The crowd of hobbits whispered in shock.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Now after Frodo and the gang arrive at the Pony....  
  
"Sorry Mr. Baggins," said Butterbur, "I had meant to give this to you earlier but it slipped my mind. Frodo opened the letter and read the following:  
  
Dear Frodo Baggins,  
  
Look for a Ranger named Strider. He wears dark colors and is actually Aragorn, heir of Isildur! You can trust him and he will guide you to the house of Elrond where Lady Arwen is so make sure when you get there that you take a picture of them kissing for me to put in newspaper tabloids. All that is gold does not litter (that is not a typo), all those who wander are always lost, make sure you pick pretty flowers hither, and the crownless shall again be on the front cover of a cheap paper.  
  
PS: If Butterbur screws this one up then I'll send a Uruk-Hai over there to screw him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
So, started the journey. Frodo, the curly haired Hobbit, Sam, the gardener with cooking pans, Merry, the starfish coffee man, Pippin, Chibi-usa's best friend, and Strider, aka Wingfoot, started trekking to the big hill called HurricaneUnder. With them came a single pony from some guy named Bill.  
  
But, as soon as the company had reached HurricaneUnder and hade settled down to watch Judge Judy, five RingWraiths came! Cue the dramatic music.  
  
Aragorn, aka Wingfoot, battled long and hard with those ugly thingys but the RingWraiths managed to stab Frodo in the shoulder. Carrying on for days in pain, Frodo and the rest of the crew come upon the Penultimate Bridge. From the other side of the river it was known as the Last Bridge. Marching across, Aragorn found something lying on the ground. "Look!" he cried, pointing at the object, "It is a telephone! With this, we can signal help from the Dwarves!"  
  
"Don't you mean Elves?" asked Sam.  
  
"Oh, yea, Elves."  
  
Aragorn picked up the Elf-Phone and dialed in. He spoke a little in an Elven dialect. "Um.. Aragorn?" said Merry, "Doesn't the phone have to be connected to a wall?"  
  
Aragorn turned around. "Do you not know the power of Elf-Phones?" The hobbits shook their heads; no. "I'll tell you a secret. Elf-Phones are powered by MCI Wireless! I don't need a telephone line!" The hobbits gawked in amazment of the power of Wireless connections. "Amazing, isn't it?"  
  
All of a sudden, Glorfindel pops out of nowhere. "Hi ya'll! I'va finally com-a he-uh to anssuw a call furom an Elfa Phonie!" After Aragorn, aka Wingfoot, explained to Glorfindel, aka Jefferson Davis, about Frodo's wound. "Takaa my hu-orse, Furodo! Ra-ida swifatally! I su-ense Ringa-Waifs!"  
  
"No! We didn't even get to watch Judge Judy!" complained Pippin.  
  
"Too bad," said Aragorn. "We must hurry!" They moved as quickly as possible only being held up by a tiny flood. At last, Glorfindel, aka Jefferson Davis, led them to the House of Elrond.  
  
"WE-UH HOOOOOOOMMMMMMMEEE!!!!!!" Glofindel cried.  
  
The hobbits looked around at the massive palace. "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," said Merry.  
  
After Frodo had some healing-up and setting himself into place, a council was held.   
  
Attending were Elrond, the Master of the castle, Boromir, some strange evil/good dude, and Aragorn, aka Wingfoot. Also present were two Dwarves: Gloin, the mighty dwarf related to Durin himself and his son, Gimli, who is better known as Batman. Another Elf was present. His name was Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow. Gandalf, the old garlic dude, Bilbo the Poet, and Frodo, the curly haired hobbit.  
  
They proceded to tell of the quest at hand, the dangers past faced, Sauraman's, the other garlic man who has lots of non-exsistant fan-girls that can't fawn over him because they aren't real, treachory, Aragorn's title, and the escape of Gollum, aka Sméagol. Frodo presented the ring to them and then had to be decided who would take the ring to Mordor to exchange for a stuffed animal pigmy hippo. It would be Celeborne's birthday soon and he just loved stuffed hippos.  
  
Frodo was chosen. Along with him would be some companions. They were the Yellow Ship of the Ring. Arwen waved them good bye (after Gandalf got his picture) and they departed.  
  
The Yellow Ship of the Ring was made of Frodo, the curly haired hobbit, Gandalf, the old garlic dude, Aragorn, aka Wingfoot, Boromir, some strange evil/good dude, Gimli, who is better known as Batman, Sam, the gardener with cooking pans, Merry, the starfish coffee man, Pippin, Chibiusa's best friend, and Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
They travelled far into cold and snowy places. To escape the snow, they travelled through the tunnels of Moria. Before reaching sunlight again, the Stin which Frodo, the curly haired hobbit, recieved from Bilbo, the poet, glowed blue.  
  
"Yrch," said Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow.  
  
"Orcs?" The group steered themselves into a smaller room and boarded the door.  
  
"Flagoth yrch subnma sha tou," Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow muttered. They Orc piled in. Arrows flew. Knives slashed; magic blossomed and the mighty axe of a stout Dwarf who was better known as Batman swung. Many a salesperson Orc died before they could even raise their packets of Macy's Coupons. The Yellow Ship of the Ring will never tolerate salepeople, especially telemarketers.  
  
They ran. Hoping to find the exit before more door-to-door orcs came. A giant shadow loomed over them just as they had crossed the bridge and the hobbits were setting up their portable TV to watch Judge Judy.  
  
"See how smart I am?" said the TV. The giant store manager backed off at the sound of her voice. "When you file a lawsuit you have to be prepared!" said the box.  
  
The batteries died. "NOOO!!!!!!! JUDY!!!" cried Pippin.  
  
"NOOO!!!!!!!! SALESMANAGER!!!" yelled Gandalf. He marched right on up to the ugly giant and struck it with his staff. "You cannot pass!" he said. Not unless you pay the toll!  
  
"And what is the toll?" asked the giant.  
  
"Train tickets! To Mordor!" declared Gandalf, the old garlic dude.. He smiled at how clever he was. This stupid giant would never have train tickets! And if he tried to pass me anyway, Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow, can sacrifice some fan-girls for the giant to sell things to while we all make a break for it!  
  
The giant rummaged around in one of his many pockets. "Aahh.. I got it. Here. Just the right amount. These tickets take you right into the heart of Mordor!"  
  
"Thank you," Gandalf the garlic man said. "LEGOLAS!!!! FAN-GIRLS!!! NOW!!!!" Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow, threw a particullarly ugly fan-girl at the sales manager. While the big ugly giant dealt with an ugly fangirl stuck to his face, the Yellow Ship of the Ring ran all the way to the nearest train station, which was a few meters from the borders of Mordor.  
  
  
  
  
  
"How long will it take to get to Mordor?" asked Gimli, who is better known as Batman.  
  
"Well, said the cart lady, walk a few meters that way." She pointed to the front of the train.  
  
"Okay, now what?" asked Gimli, who is better known as Batman.  
  
"Go on. Step outside." They all did so. She shut the door on them and the train made off for Osama bin Laden's not-so-secret hide out.  
  
"Are we in Mordor?" asked Frodo, the curly haired hobbit.  
  
"I do not know," said the Elf, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow. "I shall ask the animals." He bent down and spoke in an elven language to an ant. "Yes, we are in Modor. This ant said so." He help up the ant for all to see.  
  
"I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!" cried the ant. It raised it's arms and shouted for almost all the world (he was off be a little more than six billion beings) to hear. Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow, set the ant back on the lower scale of life.  
  
"Oh, shit!" said the ant. "Now I don't get to eat free donuts on Sundays and Saturdays!"  
  
Anyway, they exchanged the ring for a hippo and everyone was happy except Sauron, who could not put on the ring because he was an eyeball, and the giant sales manager because he still had an ugly fan-girl stuck to his face.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"I wonder what became of old Sauraman, the other garlic man who has lots of non-exsistant fan-girls that can't fawn over him because they aren't real," said Gandalf while blowing smoke rings with Frodo. The whole Yellowship was visiting Frodo in Grey Haven.  
  
"Ya know, lets forget this smoke blowing thing and party with the Ents!" said Merry, the starfish coffee hobbit.  
  
Gimli, who is better known as Batman, shook his head, "We shouldn't party with Ents, we should should go to town and party in a strip club!"  
  
"Why go to a strip club if Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow, can get his fan-girls to do whatever he wants them to?" asked Boromir, the strange evil/good guy that doesn't die in this version.  
  
"Forget girls! Let's have some real fun and watch Judge Judy!" exclaimed Pippin, Chibiusa's best friend.  
  
"Yeah! Judge Judy!" yelled the hobbits. The halflings stacked in front of Frodo's, the curly haired hobbit, huge TV and watched Judge Judy yell at people. Gandalf, the old garlic dude, and Gimli, who was now Batman, watched the Elf's, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow, fan-girls.  
  
Legolas, the fan-girl magnet with a bow and arrow, was practicing with his bow. His target was a sales manager (a different one) who also had a fan-girl stuck on his face.  
  
Aragorn had dragged his wife along so he and Arwen, the Elf Queen, were making love under a tree. Boromir, the living weird evil/good guy, was unoticed, taking pictures for Gandalf, the old garlic dude, who was paying him fourty silver pennies for each good photo.  
  
And so Ends the final part of this parody of J.R.R. Tolkien's trilogy The Lord of the Rings.  
  
__________________  
  
~owari  
  
--Zero Tsubasa no Kami, the Alien Fanelian 


End file.
